How to help others
To know one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. Ralph Waldo Emerson
The Lord has placed it on my heart to write this article. I believe He gave me the gift of helps, because I changed the way I looked at my career and interacted with my employer after I became a Christian. And I’ve spent the rest of my Christian life helping someone. Helps is different from the gift of service. Service is task oriented - you see a job that needs to be done and step in to do it. Helps is mentioned in 1 Corinthians 12:28. [Helps ] antileempseis. This word occurs no where else in the New Testament. It is derived from antilambanoo, and denotes properly, “aid, assistance, help;” and then those who render aid, assistance, or help; helpers. (from Barnes’ Notes, Electronic Database Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Biblesoft, Inc. All rights reserved.)
Who can you help? Well, everyone with whom you come in contact. I believe helps is a ministry that is directed toward an individual, and is based on an understanding of the particular needs of that person. As wives, we’re called to be helpers to our husbands. Our children absolutely need our help. Our employers hire us because they need help. Our co-workers, friends and family members need help from us on occasion. Our brothers and sisters in Christ sometimes need our help.
Helping comes in three (or four) different formats. One, you do something for someone because they are unable to do the task for themselves. The most obvious example is young children, who are helpless without our assistance. Another example is if someone doesn’t know how to work a modern appliance or find something on the internet, you can help them by teaching them how to do the task for themselves. However if you continue to do something for someone and thereby prevent them from learning how to do that task for themselves, you’re no longer helping - you’re meddling. Parents sometimes make this mistake, continuing to control who their children listen to or interact with or what they’ll study in college, etc., when they should be teaching them how to maneuver themselves and make godly choices in a dangerous world. Or parents might do everything for their child: cooking, cleaning, laundry, all conversations with teachers/employers, filling out all applications, and so forth. This misapplied level of help usually creates someone who is unable to function when adulthood is reached.
The second form of help is a synergistic one. The person you’re helping is capable of doing things for him/herself, but they’re really gifted in certain areas. So to help them, you take on the tasks that slow them down so they can focus on doing the things they’re really gifted to do. The two of you divide up the work by who does what well. This results in a good relationship if it includes mutual respect for both sets of contributions. This would be an ideal scenario in a marriage, especially in the responsibilities associated with child rearing. It could also be the basis for excellent working relationships.
The third form of help is one that most helpers fall short on: confrontation. You have to find a positive way to point out destructive things others are doing - the things that will hurt their families or prevent them from reaching their goals. This is where a lot of Christian wives fall short. We usually either nag and openly criticize our husbands, or we’ll just accept their decisions under the guise of submitting to their leadership. I believe both positions are wrong. Consider the story in Joshua chapter 7 concerning Achan, who took things from Jericho that were under the ban. What in the world did his wife say when he brought that gold, silver and shawl back to the tent? I think I would have said, “What is that stuff you’ve got there? You’re not thinking about bringing that into the tent are you? You better take that to Joshua right now and tell him where you got it!” And if he hadn’t done that, I think I might have run it over to Joshua’s tent first opportunity. I certainly wouldn’t have said, “Well, he’s my husband, so I guess I just have to accept it and hope he changes his mind.” If your husband is about to make a mistake, you need to talk rationally to him as a partner and express your concerns and reservations about the choice he’s making on your behalf. Suggest options. It shouldn’t be comfortable for him to disobey God. God sees the two of you as one person, and the consequences of your husband’s actions will be your consequences as well, and your children will no doubt also be hurt.
The Lord often sent messages through wives, and He expected them to pass the message on to their husbands. Rebekah was the one the Lord communicated with regarding the two nations that would come out of her womb (Gen 25:22-23). The Lord appeared to Manoah’s wife first (and second), and she told her husband and made sure that he heard the same message (regarding the birth of Samson, Judges 13). Abigail saved her household and her own husband’s life because she stepped out and corrected an insult that had been issued to David. And she was commended as being beautiful AND intelligent - a praise God didn’t usually apply to women (1 Samuel 25). Esther was raised up for the purpose of appealing to her husband to stop the eradication of the Jewish people that Haman had planned and her husband had approved (Esther 4:13-14). And one of the most interesting cases is Pilate’s wife, who was warned in a dream that Pilate should have nothing to do with Jesus Christ’s judgment (Matt 17:19). I find it interesting that the dream is even mentioned in Scripture! I see it as the commendation of God for her obeying in that area.
Confrontation is also essential with friends and more distant family if you see them doing something that’s blatantly sinful or appears to be a significant mistake (leave the little issues alone). It’s a little harder with employers - they’re not interested in paying someone to point out their flaws. But I have seen it done successfully. It took patience, wisdom, time and the willingness for the helper to accept a certain amount of abuse; but it resulted in a significant improvement in the business.
And then the fourth form of help is encouragement. Not really a part of the helps gift - I know this from experience. This is an area where I need to grow. But encouragement is so necessary in our relationships today. It’s practically gone from the workplace. And it’s absent from many homes.
I believe that actual help occurs only when you’re wise in applying all three (or four) forms of help in your particular relationship. And true helpfulness can only come about when you have the other person’s success and accomplishment as your goal.
Everyone around us needs help today. And Jesus did say that if we want to be first in God’s kingdom, we’re to learn how to be servants of all. Approach your job this week as an employee committed to helping the company attain its goals. It will produce a job satisfaction you may not have experienced before. Or determine what it is your problem child needs most, and see if there’s some way you can help him/her attain that objective. It takes your attention off the difficult relationship, and places it in an arena where you can be proactive.